Aging with HIV and Diabetes .....

This year marks twenty-four years since I tested HIV positive. Wow, I have been living with this virus for more than half of my life. All I can say is that I am grateful for the gift of life and the gift of health. The journey continues….

My daughter recently asked me, “Papa, what are you afraid of in life.” I casually said, “I am afraid of getting sick and not being able to provide for you.” But there was nothing casual about what I said. My reality is that, as I age with HIV, I have become increasingly worried about my health – with good reason.

In the past I have shared about some of my health issues. Being diabetic, amongst other things, is one of my recent health ‘headaches”. It has heightened my level of insecurity, health-wise. Now, combine that with living with HIV for twenty-four years. Yah twenty-four years! It’s a lot. It gets hard to remain “positive”.

In the past I have heard people say to me, “living with HIV today is better. You have treatment and blah blah blah.” Perhaps it is true. Today’s life with HIV is better than yesterday’s when we didn’t have treatment. But as I add more years into my life, there are new challenges about living with HIV no one could have planned for. You know why? Because I belong to the early generation of people living with HIV. Science is using us to understand the disease better and figure out solutions for the next generation. You know like how technology is evolving!

Today I am worried. Maybe even a little bit afraid.

My year started like a bullet leaving a gun. It was unexpectedly hectic. Also, I didn’t have much rest during December holidays. By mid-February I was already having unscheduled visits to doctor’s room – not once or twice. I have been there four times and I still need more sessions. This is in addition to my other consultations with a psychologist to try to look after my mental needs.

My last visit to a doctor happened because I had been feeling unusually tired – to a point where I was constantly running short of breath. I was also feeling dizzy a lot. That is a symptom associated with diabetes or hypertension. I knew I was doing right by my condition(s). I was taking care of myself. The symptoms didn’t make sense. But they were happening. My doctor’s diagnosis that day was that I was fluish. “You are probably stressed and burnt-out. That’s what is causing the tiredness. We spoke about this last year remember!” He reminded me.

In my head I was like, “me tired, stressed! Its only February mos. Why would I be feeling like that,” I wondered.

The same night I came back from the doctor I became feverish. I was still struggling to breath. Only this time, it was worse. I got worried and decided to go to a hospital emergency room. They checked me out and the doctor said “All your vitals are good. I think you are stressed and burnt-out. You are presenting symptoms of someone who’s having a panic attack”.

“Panic what! What am I missing?”. I wondered as I left the hospital.

So, what is my panic about?

It seemed like both doctors were confirming something I was, or should be, aware of. It was the same feedback I received from my psychologist, which I talk about in my other blog post. After the doctor consultation I went for coffee followed by a long walk to reflect on the feedback I got. During my walk I asked myself a strange but obvious question - “how is it that three people who don’t know each other are giving me the same feedback?” If it was just one person I would call it a coincidence, two maybe a chance. But three people! That’s a fire alarm ringing because there is fire burning.

It is hard to figure things as they are happening. It is even harder to try to understand what is happening when you are already worried. I have been worried about my health for a while. Let me put it this way, my health paranoia is at its highest level. And as I worry about my health, I worry about providing for my family and many other things that needs their own blog post.

I have concluded that I have now entered the HIV comorbidities era. My research about it so far tells me that, it does not matter much how I am looking after yourself today. Some things are going to creep up and I must expect them. That way, when and if they come, I will be better prepared. Fact is, living with HIV is not just about managing the virus. It is also about connecting how the medical side of the virus is affecting nonmedical side of life – the life beyond HIV issues i.e. retirement, relationships and so on. We must be aware of that and plan for it too.

#aging #HIV #diabetes #diaryofpr #lifebeyond #chronicillnesses