Starting Antiretroviral treatment - Part 2

Yah neh!

I have always thought that I am a strong person. But the deterioration of my health and the news that my CD4 has gone down nearly broke me. Even today my body shivers every time I think about it. My sister said she has never seen me as scared as the way I looked when I told her. The transition from being an HIV positive person with no complications to being HIV positive with regular health problems was very hard for me. But staying in the past and the present is not going to help me. I am moving on. I am responding to the challenge.

It was my son, and my doctor Dave, who helped me to accept that if I want to continue living with HIV without AIDS, I have to be on Antiretrovirals (ARVs). I talk to my son about my life with HIV often. He always tells me he understands what is happening to me, and his reassurance has given me the motivation I need. During the December holidays, I talked to him about my recent health changes, and even though he knew already, I again explained to him what a CD4 and viral load is. I asked him if he knew what ARVs are - his answer was very simple.

He said they are medicines that will make me stronger when I get weakened by the virus. “Papa, most people who take them (ARVS) are now looking healthy and fat. That should mean the medicines do their job very well,” he added. Well, I knew all that. I was more worried that he might think being on ARVs means I am dying. Just like he did when I spoke to him about my status, he took the opposite stance. He looked at the positive side of my condition, and so his optimism came to play an important role in my so called ‘mental preparation.’

Before I started taking ARVs, I had to do final blood tests to check if my liver and kidneys were functioning well, but when I went to do them, I could not resist the temptation of doing another CD4 and Viral Load test. Part of me was hoping that the results would come back better. This got my doctor to ask, “Pholo! What will you say if I tell you your CD4 has gone up from the last time? Will it make a difference in your health?” I gave him a look that said ‘I will be relieved.’

He asked me why I am obsessing about my CD4 count. “Why is this number so important?” he asked. My response was, “It is because all my life with HIV, I have always known the CD4 count to be the measure of my health.” Even the government tells people that.

I am sure I do not want to know what he thought about my response. I later thought he was probably thinking ‘that is rubbish Pholo!’

Our conversation went back and forth, including the history of HIV in this country. But somewhere in the conversation I remembered KC’s words when he said ARVs are meant to improve my health. Immediately I changed my line of thinking about the role of a CD4 count in my health. It was like a revelation! I was back in the doctor’s rooms because I am not getting better. His facial expression changed after this. It was like at first he was thinking, ‘this man is not ready,’ and now he was beginning to think that I was. That is how the two helped me to see that the count of my CD4 is not as important as improving the quality of my health.

I started taking ARVs with a CD4 over 300 because I needed to gain my strength, and I didn’t want to wait until my CD4 was 200 or less. I don’t

have AIDS yet and I don’t want to have it. I want to remain HIV positive. I must say, at first I was reluctant to make a decision on when I was going to start. At my last consultation I was supposed to collect the prescription for my ARVs but I didn’t ask my doctor about it. I told myself ‘I will get it the following week.’

But when I went to bed that night I felt the same burning I had for months. The oral thrush was still there and feeling more uncomfortable. In those days I couldn’t make a 200-kilometer return trip on the same day. It felt as if I drove from Jo’burg to Cape Town by myself. For me these were clear signs that I was not the person I used to be physically. HIV was engaging in a hostile takeover and I needed to respond. As a response, I immediately asked my doctor to write me a prescription and I started taking my ARVs.

My fears have not completely disappeared. One can never fully prepare for this kind of a thing. The important thing is to accept the changes and adapt, and I am doing exactly that. I believe when I start seeing the benefits of being on ARVs, my fears about the trans

will completely disappear.

Check out part 3 of this blog series.

#lifebeyond #diaryofpr #pholoramothwala